Melancholia

If this post's title reminds you that you never got around to watching the film of the same name starring Kirsten Dunst and Alexander Skarsgard, please do yourself a solid and KEEP forgetting to watch that movie, because it blows. Seriously. Like, Pittsburgh-bar-hoppers-on-St. Patrick's-Day blows. But in a funny and weirdly unexpected way, of the movies I have seen recently, it has had the biggest impact on my life.

To spoil the movie's ending (Here I'm playing fast and loose with the word "spoil," as that would imply there was something good to be spoiled. Which there isn't.) the world ends. No joke. Kirsten Dunst and her annoyingly forgettable sister and her almost cute nephew are sitting in the grass, holding hands, hiding in a circle of sticks when the planet Melancholia crashes into earth and both of the planets implode. Boom. Game over. Once the movie was over, while I was mentally chiding myself for such a gargantuan waste of a Friday night, my friends who had also endured the movie were making comments that pretty much boiled down to a lot of, "Guys, that could seriously happen," "Now I'm not going to be able to sleep for days," and "That's honestly one of my biggest fears." And I couldn't relate to any of those remarks. Not a one.

Without much thinking, I responded in my head to their worries and woes of potential calamity with the simply reply, "That's not what has been planned for this earth. Since the beginning of time there has been a promise and story and it does not end in some stupid rogue planet crashing into this one."

Later when I was driving home that night I was struck by the realization that there was a disconnect between my beliefs and my life, and there had been for some time. This past year I got a little lost. And a few weeks before my first year of medical school ended, I figured out why. It's because I was sitting in the grass, surrounded by a circle of sticks, wanting it to be some special secret cave that would protect me from catastrophe (seriously, please don't watch this movie), all the while knowing that it wasn't enough.

We all have our own circle of sticks. Something that makes us feel safe and secure. My circle of sticks historically has been school. I hide in my books and busy schedule and list of never ending exams because it makes me feel safe and in control. And while I know what I believe, my life this past year has not really reflected that. The more lost I felt, the more sticks I added. I put my faith in things of this world, instead of putting my faith in Jesus. While I am grateful for school, and while it will get me to where I want to be career wise, it cannot be the thing I go to for security. It can't be where I place my faith, find my purpose or derive my identity. Reviewing the movie and comparing it up to my life made me realize  that my own ambitions and goals and dreams can't save me from the pressures of this life anymore than a circle of sticks could save Kirsten Dunst from the planet Melancholia.

So my challenge to myself this year is this: to not let school become the thing I believe in most. To place my faith in Christ alone and be filled with His joy that does not depend on the circumstances of my life.

And, to pick better movies to watch on my nights off. :)